You're Not Alone
If bedtime feels like a battlefield every night, you're not failing as a parent. Sleep struggles are one of the most common challenges families face, especially with neurodivergent children. This guide offers practical strategies that actually work in the real world.
This Guide Covers:
- Why sleep is so hard for some kids
- Building a bedtime routine that works
- Sensory strategies for better sleep
- What to do when nothing seems to work
- When to get professional help
- Looking after yourself as an exhausted parent
⚠️ Important Note:
This guide is for general sleep struggles. If your child has diagnosed sleep disorders, severe health conditions, or you're concerned about their safety, please consult your GP or pediatrician. Trust your instincts—you know your child best.
Why Is Sleep So Hard?
Sleep difficulties can be caused by many things, and often it's a combination:
Common Causes:
- Sensory processing differences: Tags scratching, sheets feeling wrong, room too light/dark/noisy
- Anxiety: Worrying about tomorrow, separation anxiety, fear of the dark
- Hyperactivity: Can't switch off brain or body (common with ADHD)
- Sleep phase delay: Body clock naturally running later than expected
- Demand avoidance: "Bedtime" feels like a demand to resist (PDA)
- Routine disruption: Changes in schedule, holidays, moving house
- Screen time: Blue light affecting melatonin production
- Medical issues: Sleep apnea, restless legs, reflux, allergies
Building a Bedtime Routine That Works
A predictable routine helps the brain and body prepare for sleep. The key is consistency—doing the same things in the same order at roughly the same time.
✓ Golden Rules for Routines:
- Start early: Begin wind-down at least 60-90 minutes before you want them asleep
- Keep it visual: Use picture schedules or checklists they can follow
- Make it calming: Dim lights, quiet activities, slower pace
- Be consistent: Same order every night (even weekends if possible)
- Allow choices: "Bath or shower?" "Which pajamas?" gives control without chaos
- Set boundaries: "One more story" means one, not five
Example Routine - Ages 5-10
| Time |
Activity |
Why It Helps |
| 7:00pm |
Screen time ends, lights dim |
Reduces blue light, signals wind-down |
| 7:15pm |
Snack & drink (if needed) |
Prevents "I'm hungry" delays |
| 7:30pm |
Bath/shower with calming bubbles |
Warm water relaxes muscles |
| 7:50pm |
Pajamas, teeth, toilet |
Ticks off practical tasks |
| 8:00pm |
Bedroom: choose 2 books |
Gives control, limits negotiations |
| 8:15pm |
Read stories together |
Calming, connection time |
| 8:30pm |
Lights out, white noise on |
Signals sleep time |
| 8:35pm |
Quick check-in, then leave |
Reassurance without prolonging |
⚠️ Flexibility Is Key:
This is a template, not a rigid rule. Adjust times based on your child's age, your family schedule, and what actually works. Some kids need longer wind-down, others need less. The order and predictability matter more than exact times.
Sensory Strategies for Better Sleep
Many sleep struggles are sensory-related. Small changes can make a huge difference.
🛏️ Bedroom Environment
- Temperature: Cool room (16-18°C ideal) with appropriate bedding
- Lighting: Blackout curtains or blinds, dim nightlight if needed
- Noise: White noise machine, fan, or gentle sleep sounds
- Bedding: Remove scratchy labels, try weighted blankets (if safe for age)
- Clothing: Seamless pajamas, no tags, soft fabrics they choose
- Smells: Lavender spray on pillow (test first!), avoid strong scents
- Clutter: Tidy space can help calm busy brains
🧸 Comfort Items & Sensory Tools
- Weighted blanket: Deep pressure can be calming (check weight guidelines)
- Fidget toys: Something quiet to hold while settling
- Soft toys: Familiar comfort objects
- Body sock/compression clothing: For proprioceptive input
- Textured blankets: Silky or fuzzy textures to stroke
- Chew toys: Safe oral sensory input (if age-appropriate)
💨 Calming Activities Before Bed
Activities That Help:
- Heavy work: Pushing/pulling (e.g., wall push-ups, pillow squashes)
- Gentle yoga or stretches: Releases physical tension
- Deep breathing exercises: "Smell the flower, blow out the candle"
- Massage or light back rubs: Calming touch (if they like it)
- Quiet reading or audiobooks: Engages mind without stimulation
- Drawing or coloring: Repetitive, calming activities
❌ Avoid These Before Bed:
- Screens (tablets, phones, TV) at least 1 hour before bed
- Sugary snacks or caffeinated drinks (including chocolate)
- Rough play or anything too stimulating
- Stressful conversations or problem-solving
- Bright overhead lights (use lamps instead)
Age-Specific Sleep Strategies
What works varies by age. Here's what to try for different developmental stages:
👶 Toddlers (1-3 years)
Common Issues:
- Separation anxiety, fear of missing out, overtiredness
What Helps:
- Consistent routine: Same steps every night
- Transitional object: Special teddy or blanket
- Gradual retreat: Sit by bed, then chair, then doorway, then outside
- Early bedtime: Overtired toddlers fight sleep harder
- Daytime naps: But not too late in the day
- Positive bedtime language: "It's sleep time!" not "Go to bed!"
🧒 Young Children (4-7 years)
Common Issues:
- Nightmares, fear of dark, constant requests for "one more thing"
What Helps:
- Visual schedule: Picture chart of bedtime steps
- Two-choice rule: "One story or two songs?" Limits negotiations
- Monster spray: Water bottle labeled "monster repellent" (validates fears)
- Dream catcher: Cultural tool that can help with nightmare fears
- Reward charts: Stickers for staying in bed (not for sleeping—can't control that)
- Quick check-ins: "I'll come back in 5 minutes to check you're okay"
👦 Older Children (8-12 years)
Common Issues:
- Homework stress, social worries, wanting independence, delayed sleep phase
What Helps:
- Problem-solving time: Earlier in evening, not at bedtime
- Worry journal: Write worries down to "park" them for tomorrow
- Independence: Let them read in bed with book light (30 min limit)
- Audiobooks: Engaging but not visually stimulating
- Consistent wake time: Even weekends (helps regulate body clock)
- Involvement: Let them help design their routine
🧑 Teens (13+ years)
Common Issues:
- Biological sleep phase delay, screen addiction, academic pressure
What Helps:
- Acknowledge biology: Teen brains naturally want to sleep later
- Phone curfew: Charge devices outside bedroom (negotiate time)
- Blue light filters: If screens unavoidable, use night mode
- Weekend lie-ins: Allow within reason, but not sleeping until 2pm
- Melatonin: Discuss with GP if sleep phase severely delayed
- Respect privacy: But check in on wellbeing regularly
When Nothing Seems to Work
You've tried everything. You're exhausted. Bedtime is still a nightmare. Here's what to do next.
🩺 Medical Causes to Rule Out
Book a GP appointment if your child has:
- Loud snoring or breathing pauses: Could be sleep apnea
- Restless legs or constant movement: Restless leg syndrome, low iron
- Frequent night terrors: More than nightmares, seem awake but aren't
- Daytime sleepiness despite "enough" sleep: Poor sleep quality
- Persistent bedwetting: After age 5-6, worth investigating
- Reflux symptoms: Coughing, discomfort when lying down
- Allergies: Stuffy nose, itching affecting sleep
💊 Medication & Sleep Aids
Melatonin:
Melatonin supplements can help regulate sleep cycles, especially for:
- Children with ADHD or autism who have delayed sleep phase
- Short-term use during routine changes (holidays, house moves)
Important:
- Always discuss with your GP first—dosing matters
- It's not a magic fix—still need good sleep hygiene
- Works best for sleep onset (falling asleep), not staying asleep
- Not licensed for children in UK but often prescribed off-label
❌ Don't Use These Without Medical Advice:
- Antihistamines (e.g., Piriton) - not designed for sleep, can have paradoxical effects
- Adult sleep medications - never safe for children
- Herbal remedies - "natural" doesn't mean safe or effective
- Your own medication - even "just half a pill" is dangerous
🔍 Professional Help
Consider Asking Your GP for:
- Sleep clinic referral: For persistent issues or suspected sleep disorders
- Occupational therapy: Can assess sensory needs and suggest strategies
- CAMHS referral: If anxiety, trauma, or mental health is the main issue
- Specialist assessment: If you suspect autism, ADHD, or other conditions
Looking After Yourself
Sleep deprivation is torture. You cannot pour from an empty cup. Your wellbeing matters too.
Signs You Need Help:
- Feeling constantly exhausted, even after sleeping
- Losing patience more quickly than usual
- Feeling resentful toward your child
- Physical symptoms: headaches, getting ill frequently
- Relationship strain with partner
- Feeling hopeless or like you're failing
If you feel any of these: You're not failing. You're surviving. Get support.
💜 Practical Self-Care for Exhausted Parents
- Tag-team if possible: Alternate nights with partner/co-parent
- Ask for help: Grandparents, friends, respite care
- Lower expectations: House can be messy. Dinner can be simple. Survival mode is okay.
- Nap when you can: Even 20 minutes helps
- Avoid caffeine after 2pm: Makes your own sleep worse
- Talk to your GP: About your sleep and mental health too
- Join support groups: Online or local—you're not alone
🗨️ What NOT to Do
- Don't blame yourself: Sleep struggles are not your fault
- Don't compare: "My friend's kid sleeps 12 hours!" is not helpful
- Don't suffer in silence: Speak up to health visitors, GPs, school
- Don't believe it's forever: Most sleep issues do improve with time
- Don't ignore your own health: You can't help your child if you collapse
📞 When to Get Emergency Help
Call 999 or go to A&E if:
- Your child stops breathing during sleep
- They have severe breathing difficulties
- You're worried they might harm themselves or others due to sleep deprivation
Call your GP urgently if:
- You're at breaking point and feel unable to cope
- Your child's sleep has suddenly worsened dramatically
- You're experiencing thoughts of harming yourself
Helpful Resources
🇬🇧 UK Organizations:
- The Sleep Charity: www.thesleepcharity.org.uk - Free advice and resources
- NHS Sleep Resources: www.nhs.uk/conditions/baby/babys-sleep - Age-specific guidance
- Cerebra Sleep Service: Specialist support for disabled children's sleep
- Family Lives: 0808 800 2222 - Parenting support helpline
- NSPCC Helpline: 0808 800 5000 - If you're struggling to cope
🌍 Online Support:
- Awareverse Community: www.awareverse.co.uk - Peer support for neurodivergent families
- Mumsnet/Netmums: Parent forums with sleep support threads
- Facebook Groups: Search for "autism sleep support" or "ADHD bedtime help"
📚 Recommended Reading:
- "The No-Cry Sleep Solution" by Elizabeth Pantley
- "Solve Your Child's Sleep Problems" by Richard Ferber
- "The Sleep Book for Tired Parents" by Rebecca Michi
Final Thoughts
Sleep is hard. If it was easy, you wouldn't be reading this. But you're here, trying to find answers, trying to help your child—and that makes you a good parent.
Some nights will be awful. Some nights will be better. Progress isn't linear, and setbacks are normal.
Remember: You deserve sleep. Your child deserves sleep. It's okay to ask for help. It's okay to prioritize this. It's okay to try things that don't work. Keep going.
You've got this. And when you don't, we've got you. 💜